I must confess I am one of THOSE girls that start foaming at the mouth at the mere thought of vampires. Hey any kind of mythical creature that can make Tom Cruise seem halfway decent has to be something pretty special. I was given the first three Twilight books as a present and I knew nothing about them. The only thing I knew was that it was about vampires. “Great a new series I could really sink my teeth into” I say not really proud of myself for making that ‘joke’.
I am in no way an elitist when it comes to books, series and movies. I can accept them for what they are. If they are meant to be a trashy love story that’s fine just sit back and eat it up, you know that secretly it tastes good every once in a while. But to be honest I don’t really know what Steph was going for. Pretty much all of her cast of characters are unlikeable hollow shells. Though some do come pretty close to being likable, I must admit, until Steph whips them into submission with her… err plot (and I use the term loosely).
Bella is the main character who just happens to be the right mix of selfish, self centered, bland and uninteresting to make everyone fall madly in love with her. One of these crazy, obsessive suitors is the ‘vampire’ Edward who has all the personality traits of a pet rock (though this would be insulting to pet rocks). Eddy wants to om nom nom Bella because to him she smells like a three course meal with an extra helping of ice cream for pudding.
So consumed by his lust to consume Bella, Eddy starts to stalk her, even going to the lengths of sneaking into her room at night and watching her sleep. What. The. Fuck. When Bella finds out what he has been doing she realizes why she always woke up covered in Edward flavored dribble…. I mean she doesn’t do the obvious thing and ask him what the fuck he thinks he’s doing breaking into her house and watching her sleep like some kind of psychopath, no she loves him even more for his creepiness, I mean ‘protectiveness’.
Oh did I mention that in the Twilight… zone (har har fucking har) vampire’s sparkle. Like diamonds apparently, I guess the retarded maths went something like; his skin is as hard as stone, diamonds are hard like stone therefore vampires must sparkle. Girls like shiny things. Though in the movie the special effects budget seemed to have been spent trying to make Eddy run faster than the roadrunner (meep meep), the diamond effect looks like he’s just wearing far too much body glitter. All he needs are a few glow sticks and he’ll be all set for a rave.
Speaking of the movie I didn’t have high hopes for it but I thought, hey at least there might be some eye candy to keep the shallow side of me entertained long enough to make it through the entire thing. But no. None of them. None of these vampires look out of this worldly beautiful or even intriguing, especially Edward. I mean you describe someone as being beautiful and perfect over and over and over and over… they had better make my eyes pop out of my head. Sorry Robert Pattinson but you just don’t do it for me. I was expecting something a little more spectacular I guess. Though to his credit he does play Edward pretty accurately (that’s nearly a compliment), however I could fault him for giving Eddy too much personality.
By the time Bella gets to know him well enough, by this I mean she’s known him for longer than a week, and actually invites him into her house their love is blooming in an awkward strangely non sexual way. Eddy tells her how he has to hold back and cannot even bare to kiss her without thoughts of nomming her entering his head. This doesn’t worry Bella though because he’s smexy and apparently being smexy makes this acceptable.
I like how throughout the books she gets hornier and hornier until she does the unthinkable and marries the fucking guy just so he’ll fuck her in a nice fade to black scene. I mean with vampires being sexy is their thing so when it comes to sex you expect something. Not just waking up feeling a little bit achy and covered in feathers because it was so amazing that Eddy had to nom a pillow. Not only this but you go over to the mirror to find that your dear sweet little Eddy has beaten you so mercilessly that the part of your brain that makes you feel pain no longer exists and you have so many bruises your skin looks like every colour of the fucking rainbow.
And then there’s Jacob who is the unfortunate Mercutio to the Romeo that is Eddy. I say this because he suffers from a severe case of the Mercutio complex. Rather than do the kind thing and kill him off like you would with some kind of dying animal Steph takes his character mangles it and drags him kicking and screaming through her terrible plot. “Just put the damn thing out of its misery!” I cry out. Quite fitting as the inspiration for New Moon was apparently Romeo and Juliet. There is a reason why Mercutio had to die and that is because he was better than that whiney little emo kid Romeo in every way. If Shakespeare had given a good 1/3 of the play to Mercutio (as Steph did to Jakey) the story wouldn’t have worked because the audience would have little to no interest in Romeo.
So Jacob comes close to being likable until he gets dragged through Stephs twisted fantasy. He even goes as far as actually forcing himself upon Bella who doesn’t tell him to get lost straight away cause she has Eddy. She actually likes kissing something that’s not errrm dead. Jakey seems to be the only one that doesn’t sound like they’re from the fifties and comes so close to being a normal teenage boy until Steph fucks him over. Actually that’s an understatement. She turns him into a pedophile but a special kind that’s normal for werewolves. Renesme. That’s all I’m going to say about that.
When Bella gets pregnant with this little hell child Eddy does the only logical thing and asks Jakey to convince Bella that if she got rid of Eddies baby she could have as many of Jakey’s babies as she wants. Of course ask your rival to fuck your missus and make babies with her. That was one of the bizarrest scenes I think I’ve ever read. Along with Bella being eaten from the inside out and Eddy ripping her stomach open with his teeth. But the thing that really made me put the book down on the table and walk away was Bella hunting in a dress split up to her short and curlies wearing high heels.
Twilight is so flawed. It breaks its own rules and expects the readers to accept it. The last book especially is where it all goes wrong. I can tolerate the first three just about, though the third is where it really starts to go downhill. I think they are so popular because there are moments where it has potential to turns itself around but instead decides to keep on flying towards the sun and goes down in flames. I think I will end my rant here before my head melts from the flashbacks.
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