Nikki LeDree

So I got around to watching Advent Children at long last. If you’re going to do something you should do it right so I watched the extended version. I must admit I have hardly played any Final Fantasy games and it was a very long time ago when I did. I do know a little bit about them from here and there, but mostly from my fanboy best friend [see post below]. But “OMG Sephiroth is awesome!!!!” and “Geez Cloud is emo!” doesn’t really explain much.

Okay so at the start we get these orange tiger things running, presumably because their tails are on fire. We see them roaring on top of pride rock. With some pretty epic music I must say. Though what this has to do with anything I really don’t know.

Cut to what looks like a Sephiroth clone pushing some guy in a wheelchair. The first of three Sephiclones this one is called Kadaj and wears flared leather trousers. Him and wheelchair bloke talk about the stigma and forgetting. When I first watched it I thought the stigma on wheelchair blokes hand was dirt. So that scene is over and we cut to what looks like Lord of the Rings. Except it has a guy with awesome red hair flying a helicopter with some annoying girl talking in the background. The helicopter flies into this giant crater or hole or whatever we hear like scuffling and gunshots for like a minute and then the helicopter flies out again… and that’s scene over. Already this is like they just threw a load of cut scenes together.

Oh and now some back story as told by some little kid. I see. There this thing called the life stream and an evil power company decided to use it but in doing so it like raped the earth. Sad times. They made soldiers out of some Jenova thing and created the leather clad badassery that is Sephiroth. Good times. The shot of Sephiroth in front of the fire is simply awesome I must say. Okay so basically he turned to the dark side did a lot of killing etc etc. Then the planet like… explodes and uses the life stream windows vista screensaver thing to destroy itself. This apparently stopped all the wars and fighting. No shit. However the planet was still pissed so it bitch slapped the people with a disease called Geo Stigma. It turns out this kid calls Denzel has the stigma. Oh noes.

Then we see the object of every fangirl’s desire (apparently) Cloud. Watch his pretty, blond hair flutter carelessly in the breeze. Feel entranced as he checks his mobile phone messages. Faint as he puts on his goggles (sexy, obviously going for a cyber goth look) and rides his motorbike. But wait not before he has a short drug induced flash back or something. Here he grabs his arm and I can only assume he’s pining for more heroin.

After that we see another Sephiclone called Yazoo. I repeat his name is Yazoo. This guy is named after a milkshake and talks like Hayden Christensen in Star Wars. The music in the background is some piano thing that makes it sound creepy. We learn that they are a trio of motorbike riding mummy’s boys. The third Sephiclone is Loz who starts to cry after telling Milkshakeiroth not to cry. Okay, makes sense. I don’t know why but seeing Loz cry brings back memories of torturing sims…

Also I want to know why one of them feels the need to make the sound of a motorbike as they start to chase Cloud. Just… why?! Also, What the hell? Giant skeleton creatures that make screechy noises and move by transforming themselves into black dust type stuff? Okay fair enough. To my utter disappointment they don’t start to play a children’s card game. They fight with swords and guns and whatever the fuck it is that Loz has.

With the Sephiclones its all mother, mother, mother. Oh how they love mother. Asking Cloud where mother is. Talking to the president about mother. Then Milkshakeiroth who seems to belong the storm trooper school of marksmanship shoots Clouds cyber goth goggles off of his face while jumping over him on a motorbike. Just his goggles though. Don’t worry that pretty little face of his bullet proof. But his plight isn’t over yet as he is surrounded by the skeleton creatures. I would make a Matrix reference here but the second two Matrix films don’t exist. The creatures then… disappear into the black dust stuff and the Sephiclones… just stop chasing him. But the most devastating thing of all is that Cloud has an injury on his face. Oh god no. He’s not bullet proof after all.

Cut to a pointless scene of Denzel looking at a picture next to a wooden chicken. I think he’s probably looking at the wooden chicken rather than the picture. The look on his face is the right balance of “What the fuck” and being traumatised. He had just woken from yet another nightmare about an evil wooden chicken after all. He says “I guess I was the last straw”. Shunned by everyone just because he’s obsessed with the evil wooden chicken beside his bed. Breaks your heart.

Back to Cloud and we hear Jet Black! Or rather the guy that voices him. Something about oil and he even calls him Spikey. Makes me wish I was watching the Cowboy bebop movie. Then we hear Tifa who also speaks like Hayden Christensen in Star Wars… only less effeminate, as she leaves a message on Clouds phone. Apparently he doesn’t talk to people or maybe he’s a mute. I don’t think he’s said anything yet.

Cloud walks up a ridiculous amount of stairs and opens a door. Here he meets red haired guy who tries to… hit him I guess with… something. I don’t know what the hell it is. But he fails and ends up missing him and stumbling out the door. Where upon Cloud slams it in his face. Nice. Next we meet a guy called Rude but I will calling him Not-So-Black-Morpheus. Who is voiced by Crispin Freeman, a particular favourite of mine when it comes to voices. So brownie points there Final Fantasy. Fuck me Clouds sword is huge. I’m surprised his skinny little arms can lift it. Over compensate much Cloud?

Anyway Wheelchair bloke comes out, who by the way looks like he’s cosplaying the emperor from star wars, and failing. So then Cloud and Emperor Xavier talk over each other. I just love Cloud monotone voice. He says he’s leaving after Emperor Xavier fails to answer the million questions he just asked. Well okay the two questions but it’s still silly.

Sephiroth is mentioned and it turns out that he is the one responsible for the Geo Stigma because he dissolved into the life stream. The weird scene from earlier with the helicopter is explained. Apparently the Sephitrio threw a temper tantrum while they were looking for traces of Sephiroth. So Cloud is asked to join them to stop Sephiroth being reborn because he is the only one that can do it. Dun dun dun.

Next we see the blandness that is Tifa going into some church with one of the orphans. Apparently Cloud lives there and he has the Stigma zomg like poor little Denzel. But unlike poor little Denzel he’s not plagued by nightmares about wooden chickens. Emos always think they’re worst off. Is it just me or does that little kid look like the spawn of Satan? She really creeps me out.

I’m really starting to like Reno. His whole having a personality somehow works, who knew? He and Not-So-Black-Morpheus chat about how “the world was nearly obliterated “and they “were nearly the obliterators” 2 years ago. Ah good times but their happy reminiscing will have to wait because that black dust stuff is leaking through the door. One of the Sephiclones, I really can’t tell which one they all sound just as gay and monotone as each other, says “found ya” in a most menacing but camp way.

To be continued…

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