Okay so at the start we get these orange tiger things running, presumably because their tails are on fire. We see them roaring on top of pride rock. With some pretty epic music I must say. Though what this has to do with anything I really don’t know.

Cut to what looks like a Sephiroth clone pushing some guy in a wheelchair. The first of three Sephiclones this one is called Kadaj and wears flared leather trousers. Him and wheelchair bloke talk about the stigma and forgetting. When I first watched it I thought the stigma on wheelchair blokes hand was dirt. So that scene is over and we cut to what looks like Lord of the Rings. Except it has a guy with awesome red hair flying a helicopter with some annoying girl talking in the background. The helicopter flies into this giant crater or hole or whatever we hear like scuffling and gunshots for like a minute and then the helicopter flies out again… and that’s scene over. Already this is like they just threw a load of cut scenes together.

Oh and now some back story as told by some little kid. I see. There this thing called the life stream and an evil power company decided to use it but in doing so it like raped the earth. Sad times. They made soldiers out of some Jenova thing and created the leather clad badassery that is Sephiroth. Good times. The shot of Sephiroth in front of the fire is simply awesome I must say. Okay so basically he turned to the dark side did a lot of killing etc etc. Then the planet like… explodes and uses the life stream windows vista screensaver thing to destroy itself. This apparently stopped all the wars and fighting. No shit. However the planet was still pissed so it bitch slapped the people with a disease called Geo Stigma. It turns out this kid calls Denzel has the stigma. Oh noes.

Awesome.

Then we see the object of every fangirl’s desire (apparently) Cloud. Watch his pretty, blond hair flutter carelessly in the breeze. Feel entranced as he checks his mobile phone messages. Faint as he puts on his goggles (sexy, obviously going for a cyber goth look) and rides his motorbike. But wait not before he has a short drug induced flash back or something. Here he grabs his arm and I can only assume he’s pining for more heroin.

The Sephiclones, arn't they pretty ^_^

After that we see another Sephiclone called Yazoo. I repeat his name is Yazoo. This guy is named after a milkshake and talks like Hayden Christensen in Star Wars. The music in the background is some piano thing that makes it sound creepy. We learn that they are a trio of motorbike riding mummy’s boys. The third Sephiclone is Loz who starts to cry after telling Milkshakeiroth not to cry. Okay, makes sense. I don’t know why but seeing Loz cry brings back memories of torturing sims…

Loz starts leaking some strange blue liquid...

Also I want to know why one of them feels the need to make the sound of a motorbike as they start to chase Cloud. Just… why?! Also, What the hell? Giant skeleton creatures that make screechy noises and move by transforming themselves into black dust type stuff? Okay fair enough. To my utter disappointment they don’t start to play a children’s card game. They fight with swords and guns and whatever the fuck it is that Loz has.

Woah 2 dogs doing it!

With the Sephiclones its all mother, mother, mother. Oh how they love mother. Asking Cloud where mother is. Talking to the president about mother. Then Milkshakeiroth who seems to belong the storm trooper school of marksmanship shoots Clouds cyber goth goggles off of his face while jumping over him on a motorbike. Just his goggles though. Don’t worry that pretty little face of his bullet proof. But his plight isn’t over yet as he is surrounded by the skeleton creatures. I would make a Matrix reference here but the second two Matrix films don’t exist. The creatures then… disappear into the black dust stuff and the Sephiclones… just stop chasing him. But the most devastating thing of all is that Cloud has an injury on his face. Oh god no. He’s not bullet proof after all.

If only I had more heroin

Cut to a pointless scene of Denzel looking at a picture next to a wooden chicken. I think he’s probably looking at the wooden chicken rather than the picture. The look on his face is the right balance of “What the fuck” and being traumatised. He had just woken from yet another nightmare about an evil wooden chicken after all. He says “I guess I was the last straw”. Shunned by everyone just because he’s obsessed with the evil wooden chicken beside his bed. Breaks your heart.

Fear the wooden chicken

Back to Cloud and we hear Jet Black! Or rather the guy that voices him. Something about oil and he even calls him Spikey. Makes me wish I was watching the Cowboy bebop movie. Then we hear Tifa who also speaks like Hayden Christensen in Star Wars… only less effeminate, as she leaves a message on Clouds phone. Apparently he doesn’t talk to people or maybe he’s a mute. I don’t think he’s said anything yet.

Cloud walks up a ridiculous amount of stairs and opens a door. Here he meets red haired guy who tries to… hit him I guess with… something. I don’t know what the hell it is. But he fails and ends up missing him and stumbling out the door. Where upon Cloud slams it in his face. Nice. Next we meet a guy called Rude but I will calling him Not-So-Black-Morpheus. Who is voiced by Crispin Freeman, a particular favourite of mine when it comes to voices. So brownie points there Final Fantasy. Fuck me Clouds sword is huge. I’m surprised his skinny little arms can lift it. Over compensate much Cloud?

Reno is in awe of Cloud's blandness

Anyway Wheelchair bloke comes out, who by the way looks like he’s cosplaying the emperor from star wars, and failing. So then Cloud and Emperor Xavier talk over each other. I just love Cloud monotone voice. He says he’s leaving after Emperor Xavier fails to answer the million questions he just asked. Well okay the two questions but it’s still silly.

Cosplay the easy way

Sephiroth is mentioned and it turns out that he is the one responsible for the Geo Stigma because he dissolved into the life stream. The weird scene from earlier with the helicopter is explained. Apparently the Sephitrio threw a temper tantrum while they were looking for traces of Sephiroth. So Cloud is asked to join them to stop Sephiroth being reborn because he is the only one that can do it. Dun dun dun.

Next we see the blandness that is Tifa going into some church with one of the orphans. Apparently Cloud lives there and he has the Stigma zomg like poor little Denzel. But unlike poor little Denzel he’s not plagued by nightmares about wooden chickens. Emos always think they’re worst off. Is it just me or does that little kid look like the spawn of Satan? She really creeps me out.

I pledge allegiance to Satan

I’m really starting to like Reno. His whole having a personality somehow works, who knew? He and Not-So-Black-Morpheus chat about how “the world was nearly obliterated “and they “were nearly the obliterators” 2 years ago. Ah good times but their happy reminiscing will have to wait because that black dust stuff is leaking through the door. One of the Sephiclones, I really can’t tell which one they all sound just as gay and monotone as each other, says “found ya” in a most menacing but camp way.

Reno fanservice

Not-so-black-Morpheus wonders where his Not-so-white-Neo is

To be continued…

I think I am one of those people that when they see someone doing something they have to immediatly prove to themselves that they can do it too. I do resist the urge most of the time but the other day I found myself juggling. All because I was watching Penn & Teller’s bulllshit and Penn was juggling and I just had to prove to myself that I could juggle.

I tried for 2 hours straight and still couldn’t get more than a few throws. Then work phoned. I answered and was a bit out of breath from chasing my balls around the living room. They asked me what I was doing and so I told them that I was juggling. This didn’t go down too well as they thought I was trying to be clever so I repied no, no seriously I borrowed my fiances balls, I’m holding them right now. This was met by a long pause where they then asked me to come into work for a few hours. I agreed and they hurredly hung up.

I believe that during the silence they were contemplating wheather or not they really wanted me to come in as I clearly had my hands full. I think if I pushed it I could have gotten out of work. Live and learn I guess.

From my careful examinations, and by this I mean I have watched the one video and read a little bit on the apple website, I conclude that while this is all very fancy and has the tech lovers unable to see their computer screens after its unveiling for all the spunk, I think is just a novelty thing. I mean its like if you put tassels on the end of your cock and a party blower up your arse it doesn’t make it more functional just because it looks pretty. I can see this whole touch screen thing getting old very fast a bit like what happened with the Wii. Sometimes you just want the result without any of the fancy moving about. You just want to press a button.

Word around the campfire is that it’s not about the iPad itself but about the apps. There will inevitably be one where you use your cock to strategically cum over an apple logo which is pretty much what it’s all about. In the future these things will eventually get bigger and bigger until they’re about the size of a door. Then the app would be you would have to rub yourself up and down a life sized Steve Jobs.

Though this is coming from someone who’s phone is still pretty much a brick and who’s music player is still… pretty much a brick and a Zen, cause to be honest they’re better than iPods (yeah suck on that). If I had an iPhone I don’t think I would use it anymore than my current phone which is a Sony something or other that has a million things on it that I don’t use. It also gets frequently tossed about and abused and I like that about it. I like that I could probably run a bulldozer over it and it would still work. Not to mention that the only thing I do use my phone for is texting Metal Gear Awesome quotes to my best friend Sam-Chan and playing tetris.

I guess what I’m trying to say is though I will slate the iPad for its novelty-ness and pointless tarting up of things that need as much tarting as an apple tart I will probably go to sleep tonight and wake up a pool of my own wetness having dreamt about how undeniably awesome it is.

So I finally finished planning my graphic novel! Well, up to the point where I planned to plan. I even came away from the computers to get it finished. I am really pleased with it. Got like 59 pages done. Had Chris Cornell blasting my ear drums as I was drawing, couldn’t have done it without the music.

Now I have to go through it and learn to draw the things I can’t, like wolves. God I suck at them. Cars I’m pretty fail at as well. But soon I will be able to draw them. I’ve been practising non stop. I’m so excited about it. There is nothing I would rather be doing. Without a doubt this is a million times better than fine art. I’m on such a little high at the moment.

That’s pretty much all I’ve been doing. went to the Japanese place with my sexy man thing. Which was really good. I had a bowl of soup like bigger than my head and you have to eat it with this ladle type thing. I got to show off my amazing chopstick skills as well. Though I still managed to get covered in food but that’s nothing new that happens even when I use a fork

Anyway. I have done a few more pages of the ol’ graphic novel thing. Still planning and paneling at the moment but I’m getting there. I love it. I actually feel comfortable with my art now. I feel like I own it, it’s mine, and I get a sense of pride from that.

When I was little I wanted to be a comic book artist. That was it for me. but then I grew up and thought that it wasn’t a “proper” job (whatever the fuck that is). I kind of neglected it and went into this fine art thing whereupon I would constantly get told my drawings were too cartoony or just not art. Now I realise why my stuff was always so different from everyone else’s – I was doing the wrong thing. So Now here I am again doing the cartoon thing and maybe just maybe it could be a “proper” job.

I’m getting so sick of the word job. Jobs and careers. I just want to draw and I draw I will.

I went a little off track there ha. I wanted to put on this sketch of a trio cartoon I did. It’s the first computer sketch I’ve done of the trio. It started off as the real thing and then towards the end I got a little scribbley with it I like the style inbetween normal and scribble I think this is where I want to be.

So the idea is that Sam has been brainwashed by Jon into his way of thinking in a clockwork orange kind of style.

I watched a video about the Cintiq 21 inch and drooled over that for a while. Damn if it weren’t so expensive I would so get one. I would probably spend all my time with it just touching it and taking it to bed with me and…wait.

I must confess I am one of THOSE girls that start foaming at the mouth at the mere thought of vampires. Hey any kind of mythical creature that can make Tom Cruise seem halfway decent has to be something pretty special. I was given the first three Twilight books as a present and I knew nothing about them. The only thing I knew was that it was about vampires. “Great a new series I could really sink my teeth into” I say not really proud of myself for making that ‘joke’.

I am in no way an elitist when it comes to books, series and movies. I can accept them for what they are. If they are meant to be a trashy love story that’s fine just sit back and eat it up, you know that secretly it tastes good every once in a while. But to be honest I don’t really know what Steph was going for. Pretty much all of her cast of characters are unlikeable hollow shells. Though some do come pretty close to being likable, I must admit, until Steph whips them into submission with her… err plot (and I use the term loosely).

Bella is the main character who just happens to be the right mix of selfish, self centered, bland and uninteresting  to make everyone fall madly in love with her. One of these crazy, obsessive suitors is the ‘vampire’ Edward who has all the personality traits of a pet rock (though this would be insulting to pet rocks). Eddy wants to om nom nom Bella because to him she smells like a three course meal with an extra helping of ice cream for pudding.

So consumed by his lust to consume Bella, Eddy starts to stalk her, even going to the lengths of sneaking into her room at night and watching her sleep. What. The. Fuck. When Bella finds out what he has been doing she realizes why she always woke up covered in Edward flavored dribble…. I mean she doesn’t do the obvious thing and ask him what the fuck he thinks he’s doing breaking into her house and watching her sleep like some kind of psychopath, no she loves him even more for his creepiness, I mean ‘protectiveness’.

Oh did I mention that in the Twilight… zone (har har fucking har) vampire’s sparkle. Like diamonds apparently, I guess the retarded maths went something like; his skin is as hard as stone, diamonds are hard like stone therefore vampires must sparkle. Girls like shiny things. Though in the movie the special effects budget seemed to have been spent trying to make Eddy run faster than the roadrunner (meep meep), the diamond effect looks like he’s just wearing far too much body glitter. All he needs are a few glow sticks and he’ll be all set for a rave.

Speaking of the movie I didn’t have high hopes for it but I thought, hey at least there might be some eye candy to keep the shallow side of me entertained long enough to make it through the entire thing. But no. None of them. None of these vampires look out of this worldly beautiful or even intriguing, especially Edward. I mean you describe someone as being beautiful and perfect over and over and over and over… they had better make my eyes pop out of my head. Sorry Robert Pattinson but you just don’t do it for me. I was expecting something a little more spectacular I guess. Though to his credit he does play Edward pretty accurately (that’s nearly a compliment), however I could fault him for giving Eddy too much personality.

By the time Bella gets to know him well enough, by this I mean she’s known him for longer than a week, and actually invites him into her house their love is blooming in an awkward strangely non sexual way. Eddy tells her how he has to hold back and cannot even bare to kiss her without thoughts of nomming her entering his head. This doesn’t worry Bella though because he’s smexy and apparently being smexy makes this acceptable.

I like how throughout the books she gets hornier and hornier until she does the unthinkable and marries the fucking guy just so he’ll fuck her in a nice fade to black scene. I mean with vampires being sexy is their thing so when it comes to sex you expect something. Not just waking up feeling a little bit achy and covered in feathers because it was so amazing that Eddy had to nom a pillow. Not only this but you go over to the mirror to find that your dear sweet little Eddy has beaten you so mercilessly that the part of your brain that makes you feel pain no longer exists and you have so many bruises your skin looks like every colour of the fucking rainbow.

And then there’s Jacob who is the unfortunate Mercutio to the Romeo that is Eddy. I say this because he suffers from a severe case of the Mercutio complex. Rather than do the kind thing and kill him off like you would with some kind of dying animal Steph takes his character mangles it and drags him kicking and screaming through her terrible plot. “Just put the damn thing out of its misery!” I cry out. Quite fitting as the inspiration for New Moon was apparently Romeo and Juliet. There is a reason why Mercutio had to die and that is because he was better than that whiney little emo kid Romeo in every way. If Shakespeare had given a good 1/3 of the play to Mercutio (as Steph did to Jakey) the story wouldn’t have worked because the audience would have little to no interest in Romeo.

So Jacob comes close to being likable until he gets dragged through Stephs twisted fantasy. He even goes as far as actually forcing himself upon Bella who doesn’t tell him to get lost straight away cause she has Eddy. She actually likes kissing something that’s not errrm dead. Jakey seems to be the only one that doesn’t sound like they’re from the fifties and comes so close to being a normal teenage boy until Steph fucks him over. Actually that’s an understatement. She turns him into a pedophile but a special kind that’s normal for werewolves. Renesme. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

When Bella gets pregnant with this little hell child Eddy does the only logical thing and asks Jakey to convince Bella that if she got rid of Eddies baby she could have as many of Jakey’s babies as she wants. Of course ask your rival to fuck your missus and make babies with her. That was one of the bizarrest scenes I think I’ve ever read. Along with Bella being eaten from the inside out and Eddy ripping her stomach open with his teeth. But the thing that really made me put the book down on the table and walk away was Bella hunting in a dress split up to her short and curlies wearing high heels.

Twilight is so flawed. It breaks its own rules and expects the readers to accept it. The last book especially is where it all goes wrong. I can tolerate the first three just about, though the third is where it really starts to go downhill. I think they are so popular because there are moments where it has potential to turns itself around but instead decides to keep on flying towards the sun and goes down in flames. I think I will end my rant here before my head melts from the flashbacks.

Since turning my back on this I have done so much more. More of everything especially drawing and I’m loving it again. Drawing just for the joy of drawing and drawing things that I actually want to draw. Like stupid cartoons and crazy illustrations. I’m so incredibly happy that I had the guts to turn away from something I knew wasn’t right for me. Even though people tell me what a huge mistake I’m making. I stand by my decision.