Not another Alice in Wonderland review

Yesterday I went to see Alice in Wonderland. I was so bloody excited I mean this is a story I grew up watching and reading, my Nan even made a mad hatter teapot. So I love this story and when I heard that Tim Burton was doing it I thought that it would be a quirky, original yet dark take on the story. Though saying that I was hoping and hoping that it wasn’t going to be another Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

I was disappointed in this film. I don’t know if this is because my expectations were stupidly high but wow. There seems to be a trend among movies now where story takes a backseat to special effects. Is it too much to ask for both? I mean Alice in Wonderland looks fantastic even if sometimes a bit too crowded. I loved the vivid colours and the way the proportions were messed up. The Red Queens huge head was a nice touch as it’s true to the John Tenniel illustrations.

So, story. While there is a story it is quite underdeveloped I think. Trying to merge both books into one is a good idea. Of course there is then the problem of having so much to cram into the movie a lot of which seems to be a given. That you already know about them so they don’t need any or very little development . Well yeah they kind of do. It should be able to stand strongly on its own. Even more so if the narrative strays from the original.

There’s also a hint of American McGee’s Alice in Wonderland in this. I think a movie more like that would have been a nice twist on the story and could have come up with something a bit more original.

Alice was a bit wooden and a bit meh nothingy but not terrible. Again, she looks great just like you would image Alice to be. She doesn’t question things as much as she does in the books / previous adaptations. The only thing she really questions is whether or not she is dreaming. She did seem lifeless and somewhat faded into the background around almost every other character. Mainly the mad hatter.

Yes the mad hatter. This was a bit up and down for me. Sometimes I thought wow yes brilliant and other times I wasn’t so sure. I’m so happy he didn’t turn into another Wonka. That was rather cringe worthy. Sorry I will stop comparing these two movies. I do quite like the look of the hatter even though I think it’s trying a little too hard to be mad. Part of being mad is more in the way you act. I think he could have acted a lot madder rather than be dressed in a mad way. It’s all a bit too obvious.

He also changes sometimes and drops into a Scottish accent, his eyes go orange and he goes a bit serious and angry. This split personality thing could have been done a little better and a bit subtler but I like the idea.

At times the hatter seemed to be more of a focal point than Alice. Great because who doesn’t love the mad hatter. But he does completely over shadow Alice. Why not just do a movie about the mad hatter. Also why try and turn him into some kind of hero when the hero is meant to be Alice.

Other characters such as the door mouse got too much screen time in my opinion. Whereas the March hare could have had a bit more. The White Queen was a bit too floaty and aloof but that’s how she’s supposed to be. The knave of hearts was pretty good though a bit generic bad guyish.

The Cheshire Cat was rather good and not just because Mr Fry makes my panties wet. I loved his voice, perfect for the character. The Cheshire Cat and the hatter worked rather well together which was surprising. Speaking of good voices Alan Rickman as the caterpillar is just so amazingly perfect. When I think of monged out caterpillars, I think Alan Rickman. The cast for this movie couldn’t have been better… other than Alice … sorry.

I was impressed with the red queen as well. Helena Bonham Carter was crazy, mad and hot headed while still being vulnerable which is a nice touch. A good all round performance from her. Better than JohnnyDepp’s anyway, as her performance seemed effortless where as his was a bit too over the top sometimes.

The cgi was amazing for the most part. As I said before the film looks great however in some places there is just too much detail, too much to take in and it all gets confusing. Maybe this is because of the whole 3D thing and I didn’t see it in 3D. I can’t really talk fairly about effects because it’s getting to the point where they just don’t impress me. I would rather have a shitty looking film and a great story rather than an amazing looking film and shitty story. Or better yet a GOOD story with GOOD effects even though this is for another rant I bring it up because this film fits nicely into this category even if it’s not the worst offender.

The ending was a bit rushed and would have been far better to leave it after she leaves wonderland and not have the whole going to travel the world on her own real life adventures or whatever. But the caterpillar pulled it back for me and made the last part bearable.

Okay, to sum up my incoherent ramblings: Alice in Wonderland is entertaining and very enjoyable to watch though a stronger story and more character development would have prevented it from being a disappointment.

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A load of balls

I think I am one of those people that when they see someone doing something they have to immediatly prove to themselves that they can do it too. I do resist the urge most of the time but the other day I found myself juggling. All because I was watching Penn & Teller’s bulllshit and Penn was juggling and I just had to prove to myself that I could juggle.

I tried for 2 hours straight and still couldn’t get more than a few throws. Then work phoned. I answered and was a bit out of breath from chasing my balls around the living room. They asked me what I was doing and so I told them that I was juggling. This didn’t go down too well as they thought I was trying to be clever so I repied no, no seriously I borrowed my fiances balls, I’m holding them right now. This was met by a long pause where they then asked me to come into work for a few hours. I agreed and they hurredly hung up.

I believe that during the silence they were contemplating wheather or not they really wanted me to come in as I clearly had my hands full. I think if I pushed it I could have gotten out of work. Live and learn I guess.

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The iPad…

So the latest bit of technology wank has arrived. The iPad. Basically a giant iPhone but one that you don’t have to squint at to see what the fuck you’re doing. I must use a famous phrase from the internets here and say “I see wut u did thr!” at the name. Obviously going along the lines of the note *book* they went for the note *pad*. Or maxi *pad* what the fuck do I know.

From my careful examinations, and by this I mean I have watched the one video and read a little bit on the apple website, I conclude that while this is all very fancy and has the tech lovers unable to see their computer screens after its unveiling for all the spunk, I think is just a novelty thing. I mean its like if you put tassels on the end of your cock and a party blower up your arse it doesn’t make it more functional just because it looks pretty. I can see this whole touch screen thing getting old very fast a bit like what happened with the Wii. Sometimes you just want the result without any of the fancy moving about. You just want to press a button.

Word around the campfire is that it’s not about the iPad itself but about the apps. There will inevitably be one where you use your cock to strategically cum over an apple logo which is pretty much what it’s all about. In the future these things will eventually get bigger and bigger until they’re about the size of a door. Then the app would be you would have to rub yourself up and down a life sized Steve Jobs.

Though this is coming from someone who’s phone is still pretty much a brick and who’s music player is still… pretty much a brick and a Zen, cause to be honest they’re better than iPods (yeah suck on that). If I had an iPhone I don’t think I would use it anymore than my current phone which is a Sony something or other that has a million things on it that I don’t use. It also gets frequently tossed about and abused and I like that about it. I like that I could probably run a bulldozer over it and it would still work. Not to mention that the only thing I do use my phone for is texting Metal Gear Awesome quotes to my best friend Sam-Chan and playing tetris.

I guess what I’m trying to say is though I will slate the iPad for its novelty-ness and pointless tarting up of things that need as much tarting as an apple tart I will probably go to sleep tonight and wake up a pool of my own wetness having dreamt about how undeniably awesome it is.

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Woo plan is done

So I finally finished planning my graphic novel! Well, up to the point where I planned to plan. I even came away from the computers to get it finished. I am really pleased with it. Got like 59 pages done. Had Chris Cornell blasting my ear drums as I was drawing, couldn’t have done it without the music.

Now I have to go through it and learn to draw the things I can’t, like wolves. God I suck at them. Cars I’m pretty fail at as well. But soon I will be able to draw them. I’ve been practising non stop. I’m so excited about it. There is nothing I would rather be doing. Without a doubt this is a million times better than fine art. I’m on such a little high at the moment.

That’s pretty much all I’ve been doing. went to the Japanese place with my sexy man thing. Which was really good. I had a bowl of soup like bigger than my head and you have to eat it with this ladle type thing. I got to show off my amazing chopstick skills as well. Though I still managed to get covered in food but that’s nothing new that happens even when I use a fork :|

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Work and lobotomies apparently?

Long day at work today. First time I’ve done a full day in months. I’m like a zombie right now completely zonged out. Have been watching a documentary on lobotomies. Nice. Stick an ice pick up your nose or in your eye socket and wiggle it around. Funny how I’m not really opposed to people doing mind altering drugs and fucking themselves over with meds but this just creeps me out. Maybe it’s the aesthetic of it.

Anyway. I have done a few more pages of the ol’ graphic novel thing. Still planning and paneling at the moment but I’m getting there. I love it. I actually feel comfortable with my art now. I feel like I own it, it’s mine, and I get a sense of pride from that.

When I was little I wanted to be a comic book artist. That was it for me. but then I grew up and thought that it wasn’t a “proper” job (whatever the fuck that is). I kind of neglected it and went into this fine art thing whereupon I would constantly get told my drawings were too cartoony or just not art. Now I realise why my stuff was always so different from everyone else’s – I was doing the wrong thing. So Now here I am again doing the cartoon thing and maybe just maybe it could be a “proper” job.

I’m getting so sick of the word job. Jobs and careers. I just want to draw and I draw I will.

I went a little off track there ha. I wanted to put on this sketch of a trio cartoon I did. It’s the first computer sketch I’ve done of the trio. It started off as the real thing and then towards the end I got a little scribbley with it :P I like the style inbetween normal and scribble I think this is where I want to be.

So the idea is that Sam has been brainwashed by Jon into his way of thinking in a clockwork orange kind of style.

I watched a video about the Cintiq 21 inch and drooled over that for a while. Damn if it weren’t so expensive I would so get one. I would probably spend all my time with it just touching it and taking it to bed with me and…wait.

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Not another Twilight rant

I must confess I am one of THOSE girls that start foaming at the mouth at the mere thought of vampires. Hey any kind of mythical creature that can make Tom Cruise seem halfway decent has to be something pretty special. I was given the first three Twilight books as a present and I knew nothing about them. The only thing I knew was that it was about vampires. “Great a new series I could really sink my teeth into” I say not really proud of myself for making that ‘joke’.

I am in no way an elitist when it comes to books, series and movies. I can accept them for what they are. If they are meant to be a trashy love story that’s fine just sit back and eat it up, you know that secretly it tastes good every once in a while. But to be honest I don’t really know what Steph was going for. Pretty much all of her cast of characters are unlikeable hollow shells. Though some do come pretty close to being likable, I must admit, until Steph whips them into submission with her… err plot (and I use the term loosely).

Bella is the main character who just happens to be the right mix of selfish, self centered, bland and uninteresting  to make everyone fall madly in love with her. One of these crazy, obsessive suitors is the ‘vampire’ Edward who has all the personality traits of a pet rock (though this would be insulting to pet rocks). Eddy wants to om nom nom Bella because to him she smells like a three course meal with an extra helping of ice cream for pudding.

So consumed by his lust to consume Bella, Eddy starts to stalk her, even going to the lengths of sneaking into her room at night and watching her sleep. What. The. Fuck. When Bella finds out what he has been doing she realizes why she always woke up covered in Edward flavored dribble…. I mean she doesn’t do the obvious thing and ask him what the fuck he thinks he’s doing breaking into her house and watching her sleep like some kind of psychopath, no she loves him even more for his creepiness, I mean ‘protectiveness’.

Oh did I mention that in the Twilight… zone (har har fucking har) vampire’s sparkle. Like diamonds apparently, I guess the retarded maths went something like; his skin is as hard as stone, diamonds are hard like stone therefore vampires must sparkle. Girls like shiny things. Though in the movie the special effects budget seemed to have been spent trying to make Eddy run faster than the roadrunner (meep meep), the diamond effect looks like he’s just wearing far too much body glitter. All he needs are a few glow sticks and he’ll be all set for a rave.

Speaking of the movie I didn’t have high hopes for it but I thought, hey at least there might be some eye candy to keep the shallow side of me entertained long enough to make it through the entire thing. But no. None of them. None of these vampires look out of this worldly beautiful or even intriguing, especially Edward. I mean you describe someone as being beautiful and perfect over and over and over and over… they had better make my eyes pop out of my head. Sorry Robert Pattinson but you just don’t do it for me. I was expecting something a little more spectacular I guess. Though to his credit he does play Edward pretty accurately (that’s nearly a compliment), however I could fault him for giving Eddy too much personality.

By the time Bella gets to know him well enough, by this I mean she’s known him for longer than a week, and actually invites him into her house their love is blooming in an awkward strangely non sexual way. Eddy tells her how he has to hold back and cannot even bare to kiss her without thoughts of nomming her entering his head. This doesn’t worry Bella though because he’s smexy and apparently being smexy makes this acceptable.

I like how throughout the books she gets hornier and hornier until she does the unthinkable and marries the fucking guy just so he’ll fuck her in a nice fade to black scene. I mean with vampires being sexy is their thing so when it comes to sex you expect something. Not just waking up feeling a little bit achy and covered in feathers because it was so amazing that Eddy had to nom a pillow. Not only this but you go over to the mirror to find that your dear sweet little Eddy has beaten you so mercilessly that the part of your brain that makes you feel pain no longer exists and you have so many bruises your skin looks like every colour of the fucking rainbow.

And then there’s Jacob who is the unfortunate Mercutio to the Romeo that is Eddy. I say this because he suffers from a severe case of the Mercutio complex. Rather than do the kind thing and kill him off like you would with some kind of dying animal Steph takes his character mangles it and drags him kicking and screaming through her terrible plot. “Just put the damn thing out of its misery!” I cry out. Quite fitting as the inspiration for New Moon was apparently Romeo and Juliet. There is a reason why Mercutio had to die and that is because he was better than that whiney little emo kid Romeo in every way. If Shakespeare had given a good 1/3 of the play to Mercutio (as Steph did to Jakey) the story wouldn’t have worked because the audience would have little to no interest in Romeo.

So Jacob comes close to being likable until he gets dragged through Stephs twisted fantasy. He even goes as far as actually forcing himself upon Bella who doesn’t tell him to get lost straight away cause she has Eddy. She actually likes kissing something that’s not errrm dead. Jakey seems to be the only one that doesn’t sound like they’re from the fifties and comes so close to being a normal teenage boy until Steph fucks him over. Actually that’s an understatement. She turns him into a pedophile but a special kind that’s normal for werewolves. Renesme. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

When Bella gets pregnant with this little hell child Eddy does the only logical thing and asks Jakey to convince Bella that if she got rid of Eddies baby she could have as many of Jakey’s babies as she wants. Of course ask your rival to fuck your missus and make babies with her. That was one of the bizarrest scenes I think I’ve ever read. Along with Bella being eaten from the inside out and Eddy ripping her stomach open with his teeth. But the thing that really made me put the book down on the table and walk away was Bella hunting in a dress split up to her short and curlies wearing high heels.

Twilight is so flawed. It breaks its own rules and expects the readers to accept it. The last book especially is where it all goes wrong. I can tolerate the first three just about, though the third is where it really starts to go downhill. I think they are so popular because there are moments where it has potential to turns itself around but instead decides to keep on flying towards the sun and goes down in flames. I think I will end my rant here before my head melts from the flashbacks.

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New Site!

So this site used to be a pretentious art whore site (well my attempts at doing that anyway). This was before I lost all faith in fine art. I tried. I mean really tried to go along with it and be in with that crowd. To be one of those arseholes (sorry) but In the end my artwork had morphed into something where I couldn’t even recognise myself in it anymore. Anything I achieved would be for nothing if I hated what I was doing. Weather it was good or bad doesn’t matter to me. I was wading through a pool knee deep in bullshit and I was only in the shallow end.

Since turning my back on this I have done so much more. More of everything especially drawing and I’m loving it again. Drawing just for the joy of drawing and drawing things that I actually want to draw. Like stupid cartoons and crazy illustrations. I’m so incredibly happy that I had the guts to turn away from something I knew wasn’t right for me. Even though people tell me what a huge mistake I’m making. I stand by my decision.

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